Mama Gone Green is a blog dedicated to raising happy children and reducing our impact on the Earth. My name is Taryn and I am the mother of 2 young kids and an environmental studies instructor at a community college in Portland, Oregon. Please join me as I journey through life as a mama, teacher, knitter, photographer, gardener, and environmentalist!

Saturday, June 13, 2015

On Life, Love and Change

I have some news to share. It feels a little bit weird sharing it here. A bit impersonal I guess. In fact, I haven't even told everyone in my "real" life yet because it just seems too overwhelming to call each one and too lame to just send a group email. But I think it will feel good to get it off my chest... and I hope it may facilitate some discussions, or provide a sense of community for others who are going through or have gone through a similar situation. And the more I put off announcing it, the more I feel like I am lying, or being fake, or just being a bit dishonest.
My husband and I are separating (and likely getting divorced). He moved out about 5 weeks ago. Things have been not-great for a few years, so I can't say that this was completely unexpected, but it certainly wasn't what I hoped my marriage would be when I got married 9 years ago.
Mostly, we just grew apart. Having kids changed us each in different ways. We started to value different things, and value one another less.
I will spare you (and me) the details, but I will say that I am sad in so many ways and for so many reasons. But, I will also say that I am trying to look on the positive side and see the opportunity that exists ahead of me. I know that I won't be sad forever and I feel lucky to have family and friends to support me on this journey.
I also feel lucky that, so far, things are very amicable between us. We are still in touch daily, having family dinners once a week, and even have a couple of family trips planned for the summer. We were friends for 9 years before we started dating, and we are hoping that even though we aren't suited as a couple, we can re-find that friendship and at least give the kids a lot of time together with both parents. Above anything else, we are still a family.. married or not... we created a family together and a family we will always be.
The kids are handling it fairly well. Finn, who has an anxiety disorder, was the one who we expected to have the most difficulty. But, really, he is doing better than I would ever have expected. Phoebe has been the one who has cried more, become dramatic, and lashed out in some ways. But, she is four and really doesn't understand what is happening. I think I am the most emotionally overwhelmed. I am trying to channel that energy into good paths, like yoga, exercise and meditation, but I have found that I sometimes snap at the kids too easily, or let them have a little extra screen time because I am just emotionally drained and don't have the energy to play with them the way I should. I think it will take me a while to get this all sorted out (in my brain) and hopefully those around me can be a little bit patient while I am faltering (sorry kiddos).
It all still seems a bit surreal, and I sometimes wonder if it will ever seem like reality. I keep asking myself "how did we let this happen", but in the end, no one has an answer.
It's sad. I am sad. I am so sad for my kids who, for the rest of their lives, will have to shuttle back and forth between houses. This is never what I wanted for them, but I hope they will still manage to thrive.
And (when I am in a positive mood) I sometimes think that this is all for the best. Hopefully we will all (eventually) be happier in our new situation, although I think it will take a bit of time. There will be hurdles and rough patches, of that I am sure. But whatever happens, my children will know that they have two parents who each love them very, very much. To the moon and back. And then again.


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15 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry.. My youngest sister is going through the same thing right now, she meets with the lawyer on Thursday and they have the house on the market. Break ups are never easy so please continue to be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack okay? Much love.

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    1. thanks Tracey-- your kind words mean a lot to me right now. And, it's nice to know that others are going through the same thing..... xo

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  2. I kind of already knew this, before you posted - somehow, it was just a feeling I got when reading your posts. Sometimes life is really tough and I guess we just kind of get through it and move on to better things. I will remember you and your family in my prayers. Healing takes a lot of time, but time does heal. I can tell from your blog that you are a great mom and a good, caring person. That's why I read all your posts and usually comment - your spirit of goodness and compassion comes through in your words. I know that life holds many good things ahead, but for right now, just take things one day at a time. Love and prayers from AZ.

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    1. Thanks Deb. I hope you are right! I think that, in the end, this will make me a stronger, better person-- it may just be a bit rough along the journey! xo

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, I can only imagine how difficult this must be. Separating is never easy and even less so when children are involved, but doing it this way, amicably, it may be better for everybody than letting a bad situation drag on until it gets so bad that the friendship can't be reclaimed. In any case, don't be too hard on yourself - cut yourself some slack and you'll all get through this and come out stronger and and more at peace with yourselves. Much love and good wishes, Iris

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    1. Thanks Iris! I really appreciate your kind thoughts and words. xo

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  4. I am so sorry Taryn. I can only imagine how hard this transition is for you, your kiddos and your hubby. It is lovely to hear though, that you are still having family dinners, talking daily, and planning some time together over the summer. You are so right, you are still a family, and I think the way you are maintaining that in the face of the separation is something to be very proud of.

    It makes me happy to know you have family and friends supporting you through this. Take care of yourself in all of this, and know that much love, thoughts and good wishes are coming your way.

    xo

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    1. Thanks Kim. It's so nice to hear words of support (and of wisdom) from my blog-world friends. xo

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  5. Taryn, I'm sorry that you are going through this-my sister separated and divorced when her son was three. He is now 23 yo and a well adjusted responsible young man and my sister made sure he saw his dad. Families are shifting and evolving and are defined in so many ways now. I think what struck me about this post is how you and he are friends even though you will not be married. Your children are learning so much. All will be well and I'll be sending you positive thoughts (and prayers) your way. Hugs.

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    1. Thanks Karen-- so glad to hear the story about your sister and her son. Sometimes this process feels so lonely, but I know that so many others have been on this path before me. Lots to learn though.... Thanks again. xo

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  6. I'm sorry to hear that things aren't working out well with your husband. I hope everything from here forward goes as smoothly as possible.

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  7. a new path, a new way. days and weeks will flow differently, but everyone will adjust and thrive because of a loving family.

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    1. Fingers crossed that everyone will thrive! I will say that I do appreciate my kids SO much more when I haven't seen them for a whole day! I'm probably not supposed to admit that, but it's so true. Whenever they aren't at my house, I just can't wait for them to come home so I can snuggle them!! Makes me realize how awesome they are.

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    2. haha! i was going to say it will be nice to get a break but thought it sounded bad. it's okay to admit...here in semi-private ;)

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