On Life, Love and Change

I have some news to share. It feels a little bit weird sharing it here. A bit impersonal I guess. In fact, I haven't even told everyone in my "real" life yet because it just seems too overwhelming to call each one and too lame to just send a group email. But I think it will feel good to get it off my chest... and I hope it may facilitate some discussions, or provide a sense of community for others who are going through or have gone through a similar situation. And the more I put off announcing it, the more I feel like I am lying, or being fake, or just being a bit dishonest.
My husband and I are separating (and likely getting divorced). He moved out about 5 weeks ago. Things have been not-great for a few years, so I can't say that this was completely unexpected, but it certainly wasn't what I hoped my marriage would be when I got married 9 years ago.
Mostly, we just grew apart. Having kids changed us each in different ways. We started to value different things, and value one another less.
I will spare you (and me) the details, but I will say that I am sad in so many ways and for so many reasons. But, I will also say that I am trying to look on the positive side and see the opportunity that exists ahead of me. I know that I won't be sad forever and I feel lucky to have family and friends to support me on this journey.
I also feel lucky that, so far, things are very amicable between us. We are still in touch daily, having family dinners once a week, and even have a couple of family trips planned for the summer. We were friends for 9 years before we started dating, and we are hoping that even though we aren't suited as a couple, we can re-find that friendship and at least give the kids a lot of time together with both parents. Above anything else, we are still a family.. married or not... we created a family together and a family we will always be.
The kids are handling it fairly well. Finn, who has an anxiety disorder, was the one who we expected to have the most difficulty. But, really, he is doing better than I would ever have expected. Phoebe has been the one who has cried more, become dramatic, and lashed out in some ways. But, she is four and really doesn't understand what is happening. I think I am the most emotionally overwhelmed. I am trying to channel that energy into good paths, like yoga, exercise and meditation, but I have found that I sometimes snap at the kids too easily, or let them have a little extra screen time because I am just emotionally drained and don't have the energy to play with them the way I should. I think it will take me a while to get this all sorted out (in my brain) and hopefully those around me can be a little bit patient while I am faltering (sorry kiddos).
It all still seems a bit surreal, and I sometimes wonder if it will ever seem like reality. I keep asking myself "how did we let this happen", but in the end, no one has an answer.
It's sad. I am sad. I am so sad for my kids who, for the rest of their lives, will have to shuttle back and forth between houses. This is never what I wanted for them, but I hope they will still manage to thrive.
And (when I am in a positive mood) I sometimes think that this is all for the best. Hopefully we will all (eventually) be happier in our new situation, although I think it will take a bit of time. There will be hurdles and rough patches, of that I am sure. But whatever happens, my children will know that they have two parents who each love them very, very much. To the moon and back. And then again.


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