Today was rough. Todd started his first trial this week and he has been pretty much non-existent for the past week or more trying to prepare for it. I have been in charge of the kids, with no breaks, but have also been completely responsible for making and cleaning up all meals, baths, getting 2 kids put to bed, as well as dealing with the animals and my other regular chores, like laundry, cleaning, etc. Not to mention preparing for my class that I will start teaching again next week. Man, I am whipped. I am basically going non-stop from 6 a.m. until about 9 p.m., when I finally get a few minutes to myself. And then I stay up way too late because I want to read, knit, watch movies, etc., and I don't get enough sleep. Rinse and Repeat. I have no idea how single parents do it. Seriously, hats off to you. You work hard.
So, I am not trying to make excuses, but I haven't had much down time lately, and today, I lost my cool. It was 3:30. Phoebe hadn't napped all day (she is 6 months old and 'should' have been on her second nap) and had been screaming for over an hour because she was tired but she refused to sleep and instead kept trying to play. She was a nightmare. Finn and I had decided to make ice cream (to drown out that baby cry, I suppose?), and long story short, he grabbed the cream from my hand, spilled it, and in the end, ruined our post-dinner treat (and man, was I looking forward to that.). Looking back now, it seems so petty, but after listening to a baby scream for 60 minutes, I was livid. Not that he spilled, but that he had grabbed it out of my hand and pushed me out of the way. Where did he learn to be so rude? Or, actually, why hadn't I taught him NOT to be so rude? So, I freaked out. I yelled at Finn for his manners. I yelled to the air because Phoebe wouldn't just fall asleep. And then everyone was upset (including me) and I was overwhelmed with guilt. I apologized to both kids, but was still mad at myself for losing my cool.
Now my neighbors probably (once again) think I am crazy and I will be angry with myself all night for not being a more patient mama. I am trying, but sometimes my anger wins out. How can I get the patient side to take control?
Shortly after, we went on a walk. Phoebe fell asleep, I felt more of a sense of calm, and Finn seemed to have forgotten the whole incident. Next time, I will aim for the walk first. Maybe then the yelling can be avoided.
Oh well. All I can do is hope that they forgive me and try to do better next time.
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