Silver Linings

As I am sure you all know by now, I recently got divorced.

When my ex told me that he was moving out, I was devastated. It felt like my life had ended. Like there was nowhere left to go. I cried for weeks on end. I was immobilized with fear and guilt. I hated who I had become.

And then slowly, bit by bit, things started to get better.

Not good by any scope of the imagination, but better. And yes, there were (and still are!) lots of ups and downs, but I was finding myself smiling again. I was catching myself feeling happy. And man, did it feel good.

And even though he moved out a year ago, there are still lots of ups and downs. I still have bad days, but now I find that most days are good ones.  I still get sad and mourn for the loss of my marriage and my family. I still get stressed about finances and work and my living situation. I still feel overwhelmed by the reality of being a single mama-- the days that can seem to be never-ending, with no breaks in sight. The magnitude of everything in my life that has changed over the past year is sometimes overwhelming.

But do you know what?

It has all been incredibly liberating.

I have changed so much during this transition (how could one not?) and have found so many silver linings with my new life. No, these upsides don't just fix everything and make it OK, but they have made me realize that everything will be OK. It will.

And I know that I am not the only one out there going through a divorce. I have a handful of friends in the same boat as me right now, and we regularly share our silver linings with one another. So here friends, are some of my silver linings.....

• Re-finding myself. During my marriage, so many parts of me got pushed aside. And honestly, I didn't even realize it at the time. But since the separation, I have been rediscovering parts of me that I forgot about. Remembering things that I used to love. And allowing myself to indulge once again.

• Friends. Oh lovely lovely friends. It's not like I didn't see my friends while I was married, but I honestly rarely ever had a chance to go out. I felt guilty making my own plans, taking time just for me. Now I get so much more friend time. And these amazing friends have listened to me cry and complain, and have made me laugh and forget about my troubles for a while. Never in my life have I been so appreciative of my friends.

• Finding my courage. In my new life, things are hectic. My schedule is crazy, I am running a household on my own, and I doubled my hours at work.  I have had to learn to ask for the help that I need (which for me was much harder than I could ever have imagined).  And it has been empowering.

• Time for Me. To go to yoga. To go on a hike. To plan a weekend away. I never had these opportunities before. If I did make plans, they came with a side of self-induced guilt, like I "should" be home with the kids. Now I have times every week where I don't have the kids and can fill my time however I like. It has been incredibly freeing. I forgot how much I enjoyed having time with myself.

• The excitement of new relationships. No, I don't have a new partner. But I have been on some dates. And while honestly it is all pretty scary, it's also really exciting. The possibilities are endless, right?

• Feeling completely in charge of myself. I am in charge of my time, my finances, my house and my car. And while this all takes a lot of work and time, it is super empowering. There is no more hoping someone else does the dishes or fills the car with gas, no wondering if the bills have been paid. I am in charge of it all, and it feels good.

• Feeling happy. I don't think I realized how much negative energy was in my house before the separation. These days I give and get much less criticism. And that means many more moments of joy!

So, here is to accepting the past, forgiving the hurt, and moving forward! I am sure there are more silver linings to come....

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Feeling Thankful

I know that I have mentioned my divorce a lot lately. It's actually pretty hard to not mention it. Currently divorce seems to affect every decision I make, every path I choose, every thought that comes into my mind. It's just a lot of changes. All at once.
And, if you can't imagine, divorce can often be a lonely place. Where I always used to have a partner and a confident, I now navigate a lot of my decisions alone. There are a couple of nights every week where I am the only person in my home. I no longer have that other person around who cares about my kids as much as I do. And while this can all be quite freeing, I do sometimes feel like I have been left alone to fight a battle against an entire army.
But, as the saying goes, time heals. And that is the truth. Each day things get better, easier, more normal.
And as I have also mentioned before, I am so thankful to have such wonderful friends and family to help me on this journey. The other day I received the sweetest care package from Kim over at Mothering With Mindfulness. It was full of yarn, treats, and Kim's amazing hand made soap and body butter. Kim is going through a journey similar to mine, which she has so graciously shared on her blog. It has been so nice to know that this journey is not mine alone. There are many of us strong women who are traveling this road together, right now. There have been many before us and there will be many more to come.
I am so blessed for all of these amazing people in my life. The ones who listen to me cry. The ones who watch my kids in a pinch. The ones who come over to keep me company when the nights are lonely. And the ones who somehow find the energy to send me a care package to brighten my entire week.
And even though the past 9 months have been difficult (and I know that there are still more difficult days ahead), I am not full of anger. There are a lot of emotions happening inside me right now, but what I feel most prominently is gratitude. Gratitude for the people in my life. Gratitude for the love that exists in this world. Gratitude for all of the kindness that has been bestowed upon me. So today, I feel blessed. My life may not be perfect, but it is mine, and it is good. Pin It Now!

Struggles of a Single Mama. Part 1.

I have been single parenting for almost 8 months now. Crazy how fast the time has gone, and also crazy how much my life has changed in those months. Last night, as I was feeling exhausted and frustrated while trying to help P change into jammies, I  eventually threw up my arms and declared that I couldn't help kids who were not listening to anything I said. I then gave a mini-speech about the importance of listening to your parents and gave a warning that consequences would happen if listening did not begin. And then I immediately felt guilty. Why couldn't I have just been funny and made some jokes and turned getting dressed into a game? Why couldn't I just shut my mouth and walk away for a moment? Because I was exhausted, that's why. But was that enough to justify a lecture before bedtime?
And then I realized how hard it is to not have a co-parent around, at least some of the time. A second set of hands to take over if you are exhausted and feeling at the brink. Or someone to justify your decisions in parenting. Or even someone to throw ideas at, someone to thank you for your hard work, someone to tell you that you are a good mom. Single parenting also has a lot of advantages-- getting to do things my way and  having breaks from my kids (which I had no idea how much I would enjoy until I had them)-- but it can be seriously hard at times. It's crazy how alone one can feel with two wild kids in the house....
Anyways, I know I am still in a period of transition, but I obviously need to have a better plan for the times when I am tired, burned out, or just plain frustrated. If I don't have someone else to lean on, I need to figure out a way to become a bit more sturdy. I am so lucky to have these amazing children in my life, and so afraid that I am not always doing a good enough job.
So here is to working on being patient with my children, even when I am exhausted. And to being patient with myself, as I get this new life figured out.


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