Back in September, my 5 year old son, Finn, started school in the public school system. He had a very hard transition into school. So hard, in fact, that it prompted us to get him evaluated by some specialists, and we found out that he has something called sensory processing disorder. I wrote a post about the initial part of our journey with Finn, but with the change in our routine over break and re-starting school after 3 weeks off, the degree to which this disorder affects him has become so apparent to me.
Finn thrives on routine. And, while it usually works well for me too, I also enjoy breaks where we can be routine-free: do what we feel like, stay in our PJs all day if we want, watch more movies than usual and go to bed a wee bit late. Finn enjoys that lack-of-routine while it is happening, but boy do we pay for it in the end. Even going to bed at 8:30 instead of 7:30 can create a very crabby child the next morning. Bigger changes to the routine, like Todd being out of town for a few days over new years, created a complete upheaval. Even though Finn didn't ask for his dad, he started whining and complaining about everything, crying at the slightest upset, and wasn't able to organize his thoughts enough to figure out what to do with himself. I know this isn't good for Finn, and it certainly wasn't good for me. No matter how many times I told myself to be patient, to keep smiling, to understand that he is not in control of his body, eventually the whining and complaining got to me. I would try and make him laugh and he would yell at me for saying something he didn't like. I just couldn't win. Moments like these have been common with Finn over the past few years, but since he has been in school and in a routine, those moments seemed to be shorter and more manageable. An hour here or there, but normally not for an entire day. I could see how much these changes to the routine were affecting him (and therefore me!). So, while I was a little bit nervous about school starting up again, and how he would transition into the classroom, I was also looking forward to getting back on a routine.
Well, school started back on Wednesday and although Finn had a small 5 minute meltdown when we dropped him off (which we were totally ready for), he recovered pretty quickly and was happy as could be when I picked him up. He had gone pee at school (a big struggle we have been dealing with since September.. and in some respects his whole life) and told me he wasn't nervous about going back the next day. Thursdays drop off was metldown-free (yay!) but I got a call at 12:45 that Finn had peed himself at school and was throwing a fit because he wanted me to come and change his clothes for him (also a struggle that we dealt with in the first months of school). So, I went. I changed. I thought that accidents happen, so no big deal, right? At 2:15 I came to pick him up and he had wet his pants again and was in tears. This time, there were no more extra clothes (we had used them after the first accident) and so I took my sad guy home wet and stinky. Then Friday morning, our morning routine went awry. Finn was walking very slowly to school, and despite my warnings that would we get there later than usual, he didn't pick up the pace. And while we weren't late to school, we were not first or second like we normally are, and this completely threw him off. He started crying and had a tantrum, literally, for 30 minutes before I could get him comfortable enough for me to leave. It's like we were back to day 1. Then at pick-up, I was told that he cried for 30 minutes before lunch because he needed to pee and felt like he might have had an accident (even though he hadn't) but the teacher had to stay with him and calm him down until he was ready to pee. Not a great first week back, huh?
But, despite the rough mornings and bathroom issues, he has been having fun at school and is happy when I pick him up. Also, he has been less emotional and more 'together' during the afternoons/evenings since school started. So, I feel like school stresses him out, but also helps him organize his body and feel better. Double-edged sword.
And now I sit here wondering if things will ever get easier for Finn or if this is just what life is going to be. At OT (occupational therapy) on Wednesday, Finn's therapist told me that he isn't really progressing much... not nearly as fast as we would expect. And she said that while he clearly had sensory issues, she thought there were some other puzzle pieces missing. We know he has a lot of anxiety, but he also seems to have trouble with basic problem solving. So, we aren't really sure if we are even addressing all of the issues. In the hour that he is at OT, he spends about 50 minutes getting comfortable enough to interact with his therapist, which means he only has about 10 minutes of good quality work time. Is it worth the time and (lots of) money that we are paying if he is not progressing much? Do we need to be more patient? Are we approaching this from the wrong angle?
This is all so stressful for me because I keep thinking that we are not making the right decisions. Maybe this isn't the right school, maybe he isn't going to the right therapist, should we keep him in OT, blah blah blah. Somehow, I keep blaming myself for all of this. Maybe I was exposed to something while pregnant, maybe I missed some crucial bonding moment of his infancy, maybe I have not been reacting to his tantrums the right way. But today, my husband told me something that deep down I already knew: this isn't about me, this is about Finn. It doesn't really matter why he is the way he is, it just matters that we help him through this time. Yes, this is probably going to completely suck for us, as parents, for awhile. Tantrums at drop-off, going to school for potty accidents, trips to OT and therapy, embarrassing moments in public, days of whining... none of that is fun, but it is what we need to do. We didn't choose for Finn to be like this, but neither did he. It is my job to help him and guide him and support him. And doing that is definitely is not going to be easy, but it's what has to be done. I would do anything for my favorite guy, hands down. Now I just need to learn how to do it with a bit more grace.
Do any of your kids have trouble with transitions or need a strict routine? If so, how do you deal with breaks from school?
So sorry for the week you have had, hugs to both you and Finn. I wish I had something I could offer, more than just reading and thinking of you. I hope the missing pieces fall into place soon so you can all find the right path to helping Finn.
ReplyDeleteAnd to you mama, big hugs, you are doing a wonderful job as his mama, hang in there.
Thanks Kim!
DeleteI wish I had some words of wisdom to share and help you along this journey. The only thing I can offer is re. coping with Daddy's absence - My kids often 'act up' when their father goes away and it has only been recently that my 5 year old daughter actually expresses that she misses Daddy or that the house feels 'different' without him or that she likes it better when there are four people at the supper table rather than three etc....it took a while to get to this point though. Prior to this I would ask her why she thought she was frustrated, angry, moody etc. and what did she think would help her feel better? Sometimes she just wanted to draw,bake, play with playdough, read etc and now she is just starting to say she wished Daddy could be home. I try to give the kids (when possible) a heads up that Daddy will be leaving in x # of days but not too far in advance that they will fester upon it.
ReplyDeleteI guess the best thing I can recommend is to encourage Finn to express himself and awknowledge his feelings and give him permission to have those feelings.
I don't know if any of this is helpful - but I really do feel for you both. I don't think there is any magic answer - I believe as long as you doing what you are doing with the very best of intentions then you are doing well. Give yourself a break, you are a wonderful mother to Finn - I just know it!
You are a wonderful mother! Just keep questioning and thinking of the whys. Along the way you will find answers! My thoughts are will you and Finn. Good luck :)
ReplyDeleteOh, Taryn, how I feel for you! Remember, you are not alone. I was just thinking about writing a post about how we moms are willing to share if our child has a peanut allergy or something physically challenging, but when it comes to mental health, it's so hard to tell people because we think it reflects on us as as moms. I have Josh, who has Tourette's and OCD (very closely related to sensory-integration disorder) and we have had the same exact challenges as Josh has returned to the school routine. For us, it was that the school library was not open on the day back to school, so he called the teachers "Morons." Egad! Taryn, you are doing all the right things. Keep doing what you are doing.
ReplyDeleteTaryn, this post so reminds me of how elementary school was for my youngest son (now 16-years-old). Grade school, was, simply put, a nightmare!! One problem after another...negative feedback and countless phone calles and emails from teachers and endless meetings with principals. It is tough, but there is hope. As I have commented before, now my son is a junior in high school, with a very solid B average (only one C in a class in high school -- the rest Ax And Bs!) He just passed his written driver's test on the first try, is applying for part-time jobs and trying to decide which college to go to. He is an all around nice individual, who still has a few issues (learning disability in math) but overall his future looks bright. Keep hope in your heart and keep doing what you are doing. Don't know if you have had the school test him yet for learning disabilities, but the teacher/mom in me tells me that Finn would probably benefit from an IEP or 540 Plan if he doesn't qualify for an IEP. The first step is to contact someone at the school and request testing. Meet with the school psychologist. Josh's IEP has been in place since 2nd grade and it has been extrememly helpful because there are laws and protections that a student on an IEP has that other students do not necessarily have. This makes it much easier to deal with problems in the classroom and how administration deals with them. We changed schools again and again with Josh in the early years thinking that the right school would solve the problem. I would caution you about that. Pick a good solid public school, and stick with it. Changes in schools are to be avoided! Get Finn on an IEP and become his advocate. INSIST that teachers and adminstrators work with you and your son and pay attention to what you are telling them. The IEP gives you and Finn this right. They have to listen to you and pretty much do what you ask them to, even if they don't want to. Good luck. Feel free to email me if you have any questions I can answer or if you just want to talk to someone who understands.
DeleteThanks Tonya. It's nice to know that I am not the only mama out there feeling this way. When all of the other kids in Finn's class seem so 'normal', he really stands out. It makes me feel like we are the only ones in the world doing this! And, although I am not glad that you are also going through it, it is comforting knowing that it can be done. Thank you!
DeleteThanks Debbie! He is on an IEP now, for pre-K, but he will have to apply and qualify again for kindergarten. And sensory processing disorder is not recognized as an approved disorder for IEPs in POrtland Public School system, so we have to hope they will spprove him for his anxiety. Fingers crossed!
DeleteOh, Taryn, what a tough week! I know that you know that you are doing what's best for F, but keep saying it to yourself! You are a wonderful mama. The road may be slow, but you are traveling it with such mindfulness and care. I just know that progress will be made. Much love to you!
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