Finding A Balance...

I started teaching environmental science at Portland Community College when Finn was about 10 months old. I had applied for a teaching job sort of on a whim, shortly after he was born, but never really took my intentions too seriously.  I had actually just started going back to school to get my degree in early childhood education when PCC called offering me a part time teaching job (that started only 2 weeks later!). I accepted, feeling as though I should seize the opportunity, yet completely unsure of whether or not I was actually capable of leaving my baby for any significant stretch of time.
And, the beginning was rough. Finding a balance between work and being a mama was hard-- especially as a teacher. I do about half of my work from home (planning and grading) which means that I don't have childcare for those times, and have to "squeeze" it in when I can (which is often 5 minutes here or there, or chunks at night or on weekends when Todd is home). But, I found my balance. I found that I actually enjoyed my time away from Finn, interacting with adults, and finding a purpose outside the home.
And since I accepted that job 3.5 years ago, I have learned a lot, changed a lot, and discovered more of my inner self. But, I have also hit some road blocks. A couple of years ago I started having panic attacks while teaching. Terrifying. And while they are mostly gone, I still have one creep up on me every now and again. I never figured out what was causing them, but it made me hate going to work for awhile. It has made it so that I tend to over-prepare for class, in order to make sure that I am 100% comfortable with the material I am teaching (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, except that it is time consuming, and time is something I never seem to have enough of). Anyways, the whole panic attack situation made me actually question my job path. Should I quit? Should I find a new career? Should I stay home and focus on being a better mom? My brain said quit, but my heart knew that if I did, I would always feel like a quitter.. and I knew that I had to keep teaching in order to overcome whatever was making me have these panic attacks.
So, I did. I have continued to teach, and in fact, I was back at it only 4 weeks after Phoebe was born, although since she was born I have only been teaching one class each term instead of my normal two. And I enjoy it. I leave work (usually) feeling like I am helping to make change. I am teaching my students how to be stewards of the earth- information that they will hopefully take home and share with their families as well.
So when I got an email this term about assignment rights, I decided to apply. Assignment rights, essentially, is just job security for the part time teachers at PCC. It guarantees that you will have a class to teach each term that you want one. Until I went on a brief maternity leave before Phoebe was born, I had been the only environmental science teacher on my campus, so I never worried about job security. However, while I was gone, new teachers came in, the department expanded, and even though I was still given a class each term, it seemed a bit disorganized and I never quite knew where I stood. So, I decided that applying for assignment right seemed like a good idea.
The funny thing is, at that same time I had been talking to Todd about maybe quitting my job, finding something new.... maybe helping him out at his office for awhile, or starting my PhD. I guess I was just having an identity crisis....wondering if my job was where I wanted to be for the long run. Wondering if I should be spending more time focused on the kids instead of working. Wondering, wondering, wondering. Todd asked me why the heck I was applying for assignments rights when I wasn't even sure that I wanted to keep my job, and the answer was that I didn't really know.
Well, part of the application process for assignment rights is to write a self assessment. Which is really hard. It is hard to admit weaknesses, and just as hard to claim strengths. But it was amazing. It made me really sit down and think about what I did well (as well as not so well) at my job. It made me think about how I could make my classes better. And it made me realize that maybe this job is a pretty good fit for me. This job is my way to help the environment. I may not be donating large sums of money, making films, writing books, or chaining myself to trees (at least not these days), but I am teaching others about the harm that our actions are causing. Every term I will have students tell me that they changed something about the way they live because of me.. it may be as small as not drinking bottled water anymore, or it may be as big as starting a career in environmental science.. but hearing that I am inspiring others to make a change is what my job is really about. And that is so awesome.
So, maybe I won't be teaching at community college for the rest of my life, but for a mostly-mama with a part-time job, I think I am pretty lucky. I have a job doing something that I am passionate about, and with that job I have the chance to influence others and in my own teeny-tiny way, I am helping to save this earth.
I hope none of you find this post to be too self-assuming or pompous, as that is not what I am striving for. I think, after many years of wondering, I have found that I am just happy where I am. I used to spend time questioning what I was doing because it didn't seem like enough- like if I was really committed to the environment, I would have a career at a NGO, or be starting a revolution or something. And now I have realized that being a mama is the most important (and toughest) job on the planet because we are raising the next generation and teaching them to be stewards of this earth. Sometimes I forget that. I prepare each week to talk to 30 students for 3 hours, and teach them about the Earth, but it is easy to forget that I have 18 years with my kids to show them (or not show) through my actions how to be kind to our planet. So, I have found a balance. A balance between mostly being a mama and having a little bit of time to influence my community. Even though what I am doing may not seem like much, it is my small part. I have accepted that, and I am excited to work with what I have.